Homesickness

[Stirrups36]

'Send a child away' - never!

 

Help a child to fulfill dreams through being a supportive family - well, we hope so.

[Belljul]

Nicely put Stirrups! Billyelliot, I think you are suffering what I call "reverse homesickness" when you are missing your boy and everything feels so tough to deal with when they are upset. It all sounds very normal to me (I have two boys away) and the hardest lesson I have had is not to react emotionally to the emotions coming from my sons. I had a text last night from my youngest son telling me he HATES his roommate and wants to leave school NOW! I only picked up the text in the morning and when I called he said. "It's fine Mum, don't fuss. Can't talk now, too busy" Arghhhhh! your son will find out slowly how much communication works for him, and you. I do tell my sons I deserve a bit of a chat now and again. I think that is fair, but you can discuss this with him as he settles and doesn't find it upsetting to talk to you.

[Billyelliott]

That's so funny Belijul! But not ! Yes I'm hoping for a long chat on Saturday face to face , so we can reach an agreement - after all that's why he twisted my arm for a new phone so he could call me , text me , face time me whenever and wherever !! - I suppose I could suggest that we swap phones if doesn't want to use it !!!!

[Its her Life]

My 16 yr old dd has just left home for the first time to attend full-time vocational school and is terribly homesick. The school did warn us that it can sometimes be harder for the older ones, as firstly they've spent more years used to being at home & secondly, because they are older they are 'expected' to cope with it better, which is not necessarily always the case. At the start I had her on the phone in floods of tears every single evening: absolutely heartbreaking for me as there's only so much one can do & say on the end of a telephone & you feel so so helpless. She would insist though that speaking to me & being reassured helped & made her feel much better. Now three weeks into the term, she is still phoning every single evening to chat & discuss her day etc, as well as coming home at weekends, but thankfully things are slowly improving . Most of her calls, albeit one or two, are now happy ones. Still have the occasional call or text saying she wants to come home, but I have to keep telling her to stay strong, it's still very early days. I guess for her this is her way of coping with this major change in her life & I've therefore gone along with her wishes if I think it makes it easier. Not sure if a good thing or bad though, or whether the constant daily contact is just making it harder & more painful. I am constantly supporting her & telling her to perservere and have to stress that she only gets opportunities like this once & she'd probably hate herself if she let it all go. I can certainly relate to some of the comments made above, as have first hand experience of the detrimental effects this can have later on in adulthood if one does not follow their dreams when they have the chance. In my late teens I was given a contract to skate on a 3 year world tour with Walt Disney on Ice (something that all my childhood I'd trained for and dreamt of achieving) ..... only to give it up at the drop of a hat because I was homesick! My parents at the time didn't try to encourage me to stay, but instead just said well you'd better come home then! (Back in those days, we obviously didn't even have mobile phones, social media sites etc & I'd also grown up in a very sheltered and protective environment). This is now something I've always regretted for the rest of my life, so probably one of the reasons why I'm so keen to encourage & support my own dd through these early days and not let her make the same mistakes I did.

[JulieW]

Poor thing - you're doing well and it sounds like she's slowly getting better. There are also lots of tearful 18 year old new uni students throughout the country at the moment (check out mumsnet!). I can't believe how quickly some give up, so keep going with the encouragement and stay strong. We're here for you.

[Belljul]

Oh boy was just thinking that my daughter will not be ready to go away at 12 but will be fine to try at 16!! Had conveniently forgotten that it can be just as bad then!

[Dance*is*life]

Any age really!  Depends on the person.  I will never forget crying like mad (heavens I was a real waterworks ) knowing that I had to go back to the ballet company the next day and leave all my precious family.  My brother-in-law looked at me pityingly and asked quite logically - "If you're so miserable just at the thought of going back - why are you going?"   I remember my tragic answer to this day - "Because I have to dance!!!!!!!!"

[Lisa O`Brien]

I very nearly "sent my son away" to non-vocational Boarding School in Dublin a few years ago. His aunt and uncle were the ones who suggested it.They were going to pay for it too [i think the fees are 4,000 Euros a term which doesn`t include Uniform or any school books]. I often wonder if he would have, in a sense, become a different person had he gone? I guess we`ll never know. But knowing what I do now, and how much he hated going to the local High School [even though he chose that specific school that he wanted to go to ]. I would have sent him. I SHOULD have sent him. He said at the time it would ruin his life if he was sent away. I`m sure a lot of that would have been down to homesickness. But I also know it would be because this school [The King`s Hospital,Dublin], would have been very strict. No dossing around much on the XBOX,and up at 7AM. !! Anyway he didn`t ,stayed at the local Catholic High School,which has an excellent reputation,he got his 7 GCSE`s, and he`s  doing his college course [which he is really enjoying,thank God], so all has turned out well in the end. But those 5 years at local school were tough, getting him to even go in sometimes. Just so relieved it`s all over. But if I had to do it all over again,I would definately, without hesitation,have "packed him off" to Dublin [which is only an hour away on the train from us anyway]. It was one shot he was given, the opportunity of a lifetime really,considering i`m a poor single parent, for him to get an exclusive, priviledged education, and I should have taken it . Although today, he might hate my guts, so it makes you think.! The good thing is, his aunt and uncle set up a Trust Fund for him,just shortly after Sean`s father died when he was 10 in 1997,and as far as I know, there`s a good few grand in it. So even though he didn`t go away, his aunt and uncle are still kind enough to be investing in his future, which is just magnificent of them, considering they already have 3 grown up children of their own.

[hfbrew]

As Ive said before on this forum(so forgive me old friends for repeating myself), I was once a parent dead set against boarding school and the idea of hothousing at a young age.

Thank goodness for a wise head teacher friend who said "but what if its what he wants?" And what if he turns around at 18 and asks why wasn't he allowed to go?

 

Boy am I glad my ds did go away and was allowed to be his own person.

 

But there is no easy answer to homesickness is there and it can be suffered at any age. A pros and cons list as Julie described previously is a very good idea. If the pros far outweigh the cons then the person is in the right place for them and can put plans in place to cope with the cons.

 

And the parents left at home must remember that they are not redundant (though it may feel that way) My way of coping was lots of silly little parcels of jelly babies and comics plus extra hours of work to pay for everything!

[LinMM]

As an only child but with some friends at boarding schools I would loved to have gone away I must say I remember particularly nagging my parents to send me to The Friends school in Saffron Walden but it was too expensive at the time. I don't think I would have been that homesick but I'm sure would have missed my parents on occasions nevertheless.

 

I remember on a pre O level trip to Germany and the first time I had travelled abroad alone and under my own steam I got a bit homesick for the first couple of weeks then....and was only away for about six weeks! However I was in a bit of Germany called Ostfriesland where they also spoke a dialect so didn't understand half the time what was being said...though I was always spoken to directly in Hoch Deutsch. I remember falling pretty silent for quite a while.

 

I remember the song "Ive got you babe" by Sonny and Cher was number one and I became fixated on this song wanting to hear it all the time as it reminded me of my own language! And that friends and mum in UK might be listening to it!

I did settle in the end though and began to enjoy it and in fact the experience gave me a lot of confidence that I had travelled on my own

And had to handle things on my own etc.

[aileen]

Homesickness can affect what we would regard as adults too. Not long ago I read an article which referred to homesickness among young sportsmen and sportswomen (I recollect that several footballers who had gone to play for teams abroad were mentioned). I think that it all depends on the individual, although one would expect an 18 year old - who is technically an adult - to be more ready to be away from home than, say, an 11 year old who is, of course, still a child. It's also hard to know how long a parent should encourage a child to 'stick it out.' As It's her Life has mentioned, you're doing your child a disservice if you allow him/her to give up too easily, especially as the opportunity may not come his or her way again. I think that the child (or young adult) needs to try boarding school, university etc for a term before giving up. I hope that this does not come across as too harsh.

[Strawberyy]

My daughter left to go to vocational school at 16. We chatted on the phone every night for the first couple of months. She was lucky to have a single room. I think we spoke more than we would have done if she had stayed at home. I still felt connected to her and she told me about her day. I didn't suffer from reverse homesickness and she seemed to be quite happy. The only tears I got was when her purse was lost/stolen and we were too far away to help. But I just told her to walk back to her flat after explaining she couldn't get a bus, it was a couple of miles and the other flatmates looked after her when she got there.

Thank goodness for mobile phones and the good friends she made in her first term.

[LinMM]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24208545

 

Thought this might interest some in the topical event of children leaving home. This article appeared today

[Nana Lily]

Thanks for posting that LinMM. It reminds me of the day we went to Elmhurst with our 8 year old about to embark on her PVP journey. We had been invited to try on and buy the Elmhurst PVP'S (now Associates) uniform before starting the course. As we entered the school with our very young daughter sixth formers were greeting people. 'Year 7?' We were asked...no PVP'S was our reply. As we entered the reception young children were around with parents, suitcases, duvets and pillows....my first glimpse of children embarking on their boarding journey and I felt sick in my stomach for them. In my mind at the time I talked to myself....I would never let my 11 year old go to a boarding school and discussed this with our dance teacher later that day, thinking we may consider it at 14...... Well as we embarked on that JA and PVP journey, throw on a tour with BRB for our 9 year old and we did exactly that for both our daughters. Now with one in year 10 and another in year 9 we are starting to think about sixth form places. Both our daughters have loved and thrived boarding so far, but it's not been with out its ups and downs and bouts of homesickness at different times for varying reasons. Like other life experiences it's been, and continues to be a journey.....

[balletla]

Even children who appear to love boarding and 'thrive' and have few bouts of homesickness can suffer abandonment issues in later life, even if they feel its been their choice to go away.

 

Children are very quick to adapt to any environment; it's part of their survival strategy and often they become institutionalised and dependent on the very environment that can cause issues because they know nothing else during their formative years.

[Anna C]

I'm not sure the suggestion of abandonment issues is very helpful to those parents who have taken their children to Vocational School this week, Ribbons!

 

I'm sure that children who weren't allowed to go away to Vocational school and follow their dreams would be FAR more likely to have issues in later life than those who are supported and encouraged to take their place at school, despite some (hopefully short lived) homesickness.

[JulieW]

I'll be sure to ask my son in another 10 years about his abandonment issues, but I'm sure he'll be too busy having a rich and fulfilled life, hopefully with his own family, to be worrying about it.

 

(apologies for the sarcasm everyone!)

[Billyelliott]

When do the formative years end ? Can we be with them 24/7 even if they stay at home these days - most have 2 working parents , if they are lucky enough to have 2 parents .

I have always encouraged my DS to be different and not conform to those around him - a bit like me I suppose - marching to the beat of a different drum . I think it's also part of being creative to see things a little differently to others and not just copy .

[ZooZoo]

These are tricky issues aren't they?  Ribbons, you are entitled to your view of course, as are we all.  I think all we can do is live each day trying to do the best for our children and family, whatever we decide to do.  Should you never try in case you fail?  Should you not send your child to board in case they feel in later life it was a mistake?  Should we send our child to boarding school if they may later regret not going?  If I send my child will he be become a dancer and move away from me to live abroad?  If I don't will he become an accountant who drinks too much and dies young?  Who can possibly tell?  My philosophy is - make the right decision for today and, Moi, je ne regrette rien.  I may have spelled that wrong!

[DancingDays]

Even children who appear to love boarding and 'thrive' and have few bouts of homesickness can suffer abandonment issues in later life, even if they feel its been their choice to go away.

 

Children are very quick to adapt to any environment; it's part of their survival strategy and often they become institutionalised and dependent on the very environment that can cause issues because they know nothing else during their formative years.

 

Crickey, not sure we needed to see this post...."damned if we do and damned if we don't" springs to mind. I actually don't like this post at all  

[Pas de Quatre]

Susyzoo - your post sounds a bit like conversations with my DD.  We may have made mistakes along the way, but each time we made the best decision we could with the information we had at that time! Hindsight is wonderful, 20/20 vision.  And your spelling is spot on!

[along for the ride mum]

Even children who appear to love boarding and 'thrive' and have few bouts of homesickness can suffer abandonment issues in later life, even if they feel its been their choice to go away.

 

Children are very quick to adapt to any environment; it's part of their survival strategy and often they become institutionalised and dependent on the very environment that can cause issues because they know nothing else during their formative years.

Or maybe they are well adjusted, well rounded confident children who are secure in themselves and their family relationships and know their own minds......?

Edited September 27, 2013 by along for the ride mum

[Tulip]

One of my concerns was that my daughter was in an institutionalised environment for four years, for 6th form she is now in London aged just turned 17 living in a flat. I needn't have worried as she is completely indendant, can easily take care of all her needs. Hopefully when she graduates in two years she will be even more in dependant when she gets a job which could possibly be anywhere in the world. As for abandonment issues it's me who has them, and I miss that little girl that went away. However if I hadn't allowed her to go away I don't think she would have forgiven me.

[Tulip]

Grrrr sorry about my spellings, it's predictive text.

[dancingmuppet]

As an adult, who as a child went to vocational school from the age of 11, I don't feel I have any issues, abandonment or otherwise. Yes I got homesick initially and again when I was doing my GCSE's (think the pressure of them). But I loved being away at ballet school and it was a relief to feel understood by other children about my love of dance, where at home I'd always felt slightly like the odd one out, even with friends that I danced with because they were doing it for fun where I was doing because I needed to (hope that makes sense), I knew that dance was what I wanted to do as a career.

I made some very close friends whom I'm still in touch with now, I don't regret going away at all and never felt that I was sent away, I was there because I wanted to be.

[Busymum]

Dancingmuppet that is exactly how I feel after going away to vocational school at 11.

I chose to go, my Mum had no say!! Ha ha

I loved school, even with bouts of homesickness and I would wholeheartedly support any child of mine to do the same if THEY chose to go.

My 9 year old daughter loves dancing and is sure it is the career for her, however, she is not sure at the moment that she would like to board so it doesn't look like she will be going at 11. I knew from the age of 5 that I was going. She thinks I am strong and can cope with anything because I went to boarding school. Bless her heart! I would love her to have the joy of school that I did though.

I have never felt abandoned and any child that has been accepted and gone to vocational school is a child who really wants it for themselves. I hope no parent feels bad after reading Ribbons post.

[LinMM]

I usually think abandonment issues tend to come up when nothing has been explained and children don't know why they have been sent away from home to school. This is most unlikely to occur for children going to vocational school as this has very much been chosen and usually very much discussed between child and parent. It's the lack of choice and lack of any explanations that can cause a child to feel abandoned. It also is more likely to happen to much younger children than eleven as by ten or eleven a child has usually matured enough to be able to reason things out.

I know some children within the normal school education system are sent to boarding school as young as six/seven/eight and there is no choice for them in this. This type of situation is more likely to cause some problems.

 

I wish I could have been good enough to go to Elmhurst or the Royal.....I would have jumped at the chance. I know for sure that if I HAD gone though and really and truly hated it my parents would have removed me because I trusted that they loved me and would not want me to be really unhappy. Once a child feels there is some negotiating power I don't feel they will have abandonment issues.

[Stirrups36]

I am sure we shall be able to find anecdotal evidence both supporting and against boarding education. I am sure that some have had very bad experiences in the past, and have felt abandonment. Indeed, I am sure we could find plenty of evidence where children being at home has been damaging for their health!

 

But I think that the very fact we are discussing such issues mean that we shall be more aware of the needs of our children, at home and at school. And if we are aware of the issues, then we can take action to try to ensure that our children know and understand our love whilst they are away.

 

As I look today at a list of possible side effects of a drug, it doesn't mean that the taker WILL have these side effects, but that we should be on the lookout just in case. As our children go to boarding school, or go to the local comp, or are home schooled or... Or... It doesn't mean that they WILL suffer any possible negative consequences, but because we know(and share) the signs, it means we can take action.

[hfbrew]

Crickey, not sure we needed to see this post...."damned if we do and damned if we don't" springs to mind. I actually don't like this post at all  

Well if all the happy, successful and fulfilled people I've ever met who have gone to boarding school are institutionalised and dependant on a particular environment then,  well I wish I had gone away myself at 11!!

 

So rest assured dtadmin, most children in my experience who have gone to boarding school  come out of it as very well adjusted individuals indeed! And as far as vocational schools are concerned I am sure the vast majority of us parents on this forum take steps to ensure that our children do know that there is life away from Ballet-  it certainly wasn't the case that my ds "knew nothing else during his formative years" !

 

Just because an individual is homesick doesn't mean that a boarding school environment is bad for them. As has been pointed out homesickness is an unpleasant experience that can occur at any age and in different circumstances. My dear mum gets homesick whenever she goes away and so avoids any break longer than a week. Similarly I've been homesick just this last week for my mum now that she is ill even though its 30 years since I actually lived with her.

 

So we should all think of ways to cope with homesickness rather than doubt ourselves for the well intentioned decisions we have made to help our wonderful children have the best opportunities that we can manage.

 

Just had text from ds saying heat addled the whole of his company tonight but still had good show...now having sing a long on way home.. off to the Isle of Wight next week...           Well that's actually a very happy young man doing what he has always liked best, sorry rambling now but like JulieWs handsome son most emphatically very independent and as far from institutionalised as you can get!!

[Lifeafterballet]

Too much psychology for my liking ! Its a bit of an insult to people with real abandonment issues !

[DancingDays]

Thanks Hfbrew...it's lovely to see all the positive comments - it remains to be seen whether I'll even have to worry about homesickness but I gain so much courage to let my DD fly and try for her dreams from reading about all your DC's experiences (good and bad) and I think that why Ribbons comment did trip me up a little earlier on...

 

I suppose the reality is we all try to do our best for our children but there are never any guarantees and as long as my DD can trust me to always be right behind her, supporting her, that's the best I can do

 

Waiting for those audition dates to come through now.....(oh and DD's lovely new leo  )

[LinMM]

I have to say though abandonment issues are real for whoever may suffer from them whether people who were sent off to boarding school too young without any choice or other people whose parents may have abandoned them completely.

 

Pain is pain.

 

So I don't agree with the sentiment that "its insulting to people who have "real" abandonment issues.

[hfbrew]

Have had funny, and yes sarcastic reply just now from my son to the question of whether he is institutionalised dependant!

 

Won't repeat it all but after joking that he has to text parents and friends non-stop and that "facebook and twitter are his home haha " ,his point was of course boarding affects your character but its all to do with individual experience of that coupled with parenting,and friends,and teaching.If anything it makes you stronger.

 

He also said that fear of those things (institutionalism and dependancy) does more to generate them anyway.

 

Incidentally I wish he did text more often!