How to support your child to leave ballet behind

[Chira]

My son is just going into GCSE year in residential vocational ballet training. He has been giving lots of verbal throw away cues that he maybe he doesn’t want to continue on into Upper School. (He has yet to apply that comes next).

 

Ongoing overuse Injury, poor emotional support, inadequate rehab, burnout and loss of confidence during training have all added to his confusion about carrying on. Also he wants to study more freely (not 50% of each day, or just study dance and he finds it hard to do both; he is better suited to all his focus to one or the other) and I can also see he yearns to be a normal teenager. He has kept all his local friends and spends each holidays with them. He views aspects of ballet as often too restrictive and suffocating. Like it is crushing his identity. Ballet does not define who he is. So it’s like he’s in a battle to hold on to himself all the time. 

 

He is extremely talented (this is not my assessment) but his loss of motivation and focus means he has lost his drive and perhaps his passion. He is a child who clearly understands ballet is as much about endurance as it is about passion. 
 

I want to support him to leave, or at least believe that he can, but the conversation seems impossible because he is so confused. When I mention Upper School applications he just shuts down. I don’t want him to regret not applying. 
 

We are a single parent low income family and I just don’t know how to navigate this. Money is always a consideration for us. The lack of it closes many doors especially the way ballet training has changed over the years. (highly competitive and very expensive) I cannot offer him anything extra. 

Ballet felt like our whole life when he was little, but now he is a lovely curious teenager who wants to explore the whole world not just the ballet world.

 

what I would like to know is do I encourage him to apply to Upper Schools just in case or just leave it be (he is applying to colleges for his A levels we can manage that conversation ☺️)

 

I want him to know it’s ok I’m here no matter what, but he can’t hear me. Help! 

[balletbean]

I can appreciate that it can be very difficult when reaching this crossroad in your child’s life. We don’t know what the future holds as there are plenty of what ifs. What if they stay and soldier on or what if they pull out entirely. 
Have you been able to ascertain whether it’s just ballet or dance as a whole. 
US could be the time to open up more doors within the world of dance. 
For example Northern Ballet School (NBS) where they offer more than just ballet. 
My DD started at 16 on the classical focus by her second year she moved to the jazz focus. Never looked back. 💃🏼🌏. 
Many schools and colleges offer DaDa funding which may help towards the costs but obviously not all. 
Has your son expressed another potential career or interest in university degree after A levels away from dance that may help with the conversation? Is this idea of college possibly aligned with his friendship group choices, so not a case of being pressured but more that his choices are being swayed by his peers. 
Where does he see his future after A levels? Very open soft conversation maybe over several days not even mention ballet just a generic conversation about life after education to gain a greater understanding of where he sees his future. It is so difficult and one there isn’t a book to help us with but you know your son better than anyone else. Be there for him guide and support offering pros and cons equally for all his choices but all I know from my four is that I never wanted to hear  ‘what if mum had let me’ thrown back at a later in the heat of the moment. 
 

Good luck. 
 

ps. No matter how hard it may be try not to steer the conversation towards your preferences. Try to remain neutral as it is their life and future and ensure that they know that no matter what decision they make (they are then the ones that have to stand by them) you will continue to support them especially if their final decision is contrary to what you would like. To hear those words out loud is so very important but so easily overlooked. 🙂

Edited July 26 by balletbean

[Trumpeting Violinist]

Do you know a dancer or a dance teacher (maybe not at his current school) who could talk with him not just about dance career, but life journeys of talented people in general? As teenagers start separating from parents, it's sometimes easier for them to have this discussions with other adults, and it could help them to get a wider perspective. I remember as a teenager gifted in art and contemplating a career, I found conversations with artists, art teachers and even a psychologist at school very helpful. Now I try to do something similar with my musically gifted daughter - I often ask her teachers for advice and guidance not just on her practice, but on wider life matters related to a musician's journey.

 

Another thing to bear in mind is that extremely talented people are often extremely vulnerable emotionally - that's part of general hypersensitivity inseparable from talent. Going through psychological crises, breakdowns, long periods of self doubt and many other things is kind of normal in their case. It is especially difficult to manage for a teenager, with all the normal changes going on at the same time, but even for an adult it may be a recurring thing. If his school doesn't offer much psychological support, perhaps it would be worth having a few sessions with a psychologist/counsellor? He doesn't need therapy so it won't be a long and costly process, but your son could benefit from some advice on finding his inner strength as a creative/artistic person.

 

It is of course perfectly fine not to pursue a professional career even for an extremely talented person, but psychologically it's probably better to drop it a bit later, not in teenage years. People often regret choices made when they were really immature and later in life could feel like they missed their chances because of immature decisions (it doesn't matter if it's true or not, it's just a feeling). Whereas young adults in their 20s are much more emotionally stable, understand themselves better and make better thought out decisions.

[glowlight]

@Chira, your ds is so lucky to have such a supportive, empathetic parent who will support him whatever he choses to do. 

 

It sounds as if he is ready to step away from ballet, at least for now, and the fact he has applied to A level courses but shuts down any conversation about Upper School applications suggests to me, as an outsider, that he really doesn't fancy the vocational upper school route (I'm not sure I would have picked this up if it was my own child though!)

 

You could gently explore whether it is just the idea continuing at his present school which is the problem. Maybe the atmosphere in a different school would suit him better. As ballet bean mentioned - NBS offers a wide range of dance styles and doesn't offer A levels so you can focus entirely on dance. But if I was you I wouldn't push the Upper School applications. That is probably just causing him more stress in an already stressful year and he may come round to the idea in his own time. If he does 'miss the boat' this year, it isn't necessarily the end of the road. Many schools will take older students, especially boys. 

[meadowblythe]

When my daughter was at Conservatoire (so a few years later) I begged her not to apply for a masters because I knew it would break her emotionally and mentally.  I asked her to take a year out - she was president of the SU and so still had access to first class training - and she has never looked back, or been happier as the most passionate amateur, pursuing a career which better fits her overall personality.

 

To be totally honest, if your son is not sure, and you can access good training, he probably could take a year out.  There are plenty of places both In the UK and abroad that he could apply for if he felt he'd like to give it another shot, with renewed vigour.  That said, applying for Upper School doesn't commit anyone to anything.  It's just keeping options  ope as long as they don't feel pressurised into going through with things.  My daughter said her biggest regret was all the money I'd spent.  I said it was well invested in opening up options - the choice of which to pursue was hers alone.

 

Does your son have a family friend they can talk to?  Someone from a non dance perspective may be more objective.  My children were lucky in having both a neighbour whose opinion they trusted and a Godfather.  People who cared deeply for them but were just that one step removed from close family.  

 

You sound like a great family unit.  I am sure between you the right decision will be made.  

 

 

[Colman]

1 hour ago, meadowblythe said:

To be totally honest, if your son is not sure, and you can access good training, he probably could take a year out.

Just putting this on the table may help clarify things.

[Pas de Quatre]

Chira, an open conversation where you allow your son to explore his thoughts may be helpful.  Just expressing his feeling in words may clarify things and put them into perspective.   It may be that particular school, or it may just be that he is reconsidering his future path in life.  Few of those who go to US dance professionally and of those who do, it is often only for a few years, so they have to find a new direction in their 20s.

 

My DD didn't go to Vocational school until 16+, but did Associates and various Easter and Summer schools.  From time to time she would talk about participants conversations and a topic that came up quite frequently was that a particular dancer didn't want to dance anymore, but didn't know how to tell their mother.  (Various students over the years, not one dancer repeating the observation.)

 

One piece of advice to parents from a wise teacher that I have always remembered, "It is your job to raise a happy child to Adulthood, not to raise a professional dancer".   

[academicdancer]

One thing to keep in mind too - it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Your DC can continue ballet as something to do for fun, whilst pursuing an alternative path. There are really quality advanced adult classes in several big cities now, so it is definitely possible to continue training/learning/dancing throughout teenagehood and adulthood without it being so pressured and intense.

[Allwrong]

Absolutely agree with glowlight that your son is so lucky to have such a wise and observant parent. Also entirely agree with the feeling that money (or lack of it!) makes decisions about dance training so much more challenging.

i think a year away, or 2 for A Levels, from dance training sounds a really good move, and would help give you both a better idea of where to go next. And if he decides to go back to ballet, US would welcome him back readily. You could raise with DS whether this is what he has in mind.

To be certain it would work, you could approach a couple of upper schools and find out how they would view that trajectory

[Chira]

Thankyou everyone for all your lovely wise words.

 

I’m going to take a while to digest it all. 
 

I had never thought about him taking time out for college and revisiting dance if he wanted to or missed it too much. 
 

He has never been without what we have always called ‘another Plan A’ college and university. Or college and an apprenticeship of which there are many wonderful options now.

 

Also I have noticed he has lots of questions about what he could do, as though he is thinking and reaching past and beyond his identity as a ballet dancer. This has defined who he is since he was little and has been supremely important to him; but I notice him finding space for other possibilities and what ifs. Like ballet is not enough too limiting. Or he just needs space to explore.
 

I wonder if this next year is weighing heavily on him in order to make the right decision the right choices. 
 

I remember my O levels and I had nothing else to contend with apart from a Saturday job; it was a really stressful time. I cannot begin to understand what it might be like to think about preparing for important auditions as well. US auditions definitely feel bigger and loom larger for him than anything he has done before. 
 

I shall let him have most of the summer to ‘play’ with all his local no -dancing friends whom he met at his local dance school, but none of them continued dancing once they went to senior school. 
 

He had a really wonderful ballet experience recently (can’t expand TMI would be revealing etc) which totally reignited his passion for ballet in a way I haven’t seen since before he started vocational. So there is something still there just very lost and maybe not enough.

 

I will broach the subject before he returns to school because I need to practicality wise but in a way that is just a list of options that are available to him.

 

Of course all his peers will be in the same position as him re US applications so we shall see how that impacts his thought processes. 
 

it’s so very hard to stay neutral, I do, but it is by sheer effort of will. 
 

Thankyou all again. 

[Kerfuffle]

I think you’re right to give him space to think about other options. I have known boys go away at 17 and 18 to top schools and no one bats an eye at their decision or age! Upper school is great if you absolutely know why you are there but otherwise could be exhausting, it involves very long days. He would possibly be more ready to be independent at that age - looking after yourself, cooking, washing etc is quite a jump in responsibility. If he’s been injured he might benefit from taking things easier. 

[Medora]

I left an elite sport at age 17, it had been my entire life and identity up until that point. I didn’t leave on my own terms, circumstances sort of pushed me out, and it haunted me for probably a decade, maybe longer. I’ve been talking to lots of athletes about this and if all comes down to why and how you leave: if it’s on your own terms, and you feel that you got what you wanted out of it in terms of milestones reached or experiences, and you feel ready for a new adventure, then it’s the right decision. 
 

sounds like your son is expressing something along these lines so I’d talk to him, to make sure he doesn’t leave anything on the table so to speak. 
 

Anecdotally a good gauge of whether it’s the right decision is if you still want to enjoy the activity in question as a spectator or on a hobby level. For me, I still can’t watch that particular sport on tv

[glowlight]

So sorry for you @Medora

[Medora]

Such a cliché isn’t it! Nothing worse than us failed athletes, always going on about what could have been… I’m taking care to avoid that scenario for my children 

[Chira]

19 hours ago, Medora said:

I left an elite sport at age 17, it had been my entire life and identity up until that point. I didn’t leave on my own terms, circumstances sort of pushed me out, and it haunted me for probably a decade, maybe longer. I’ve been talking to lots of athletes about this and if all comes down to why and how you leave: if it’s on your own terms, and you feel that you got what you wanted out of it in terms of milestones reached or experiences, and you feel ready for a new adventure, then it’s the right decision. 
 

sounds like your son is expressing something along these lines so I’d talk to him, to make sure he doesn’t leave anything on the table so to speak. 
 

Anecdotally a good gauge of whether it’s the right decision is if you still want to enjoy the activity in question as a spectator or on a hobby level. For me, I still can’t watch that particular sport on tv

Thankyou this is very helpful for me. I am sorry I can hear this wasn’t your choice to leave perhaps and that must make it even harder.
 

No my son can’t watch ballet atm and he hasn’t decided yet. It’s as though he’s angry. He is able to go to a live event and love it still. 

someone mentioned therapy. He does have a wonderful specialist dance therapist whom he now sees when he needs to. Has asked to see them again next week. 

interestingly he said today he will apply to a select number of US’s including one international one 😬 

He seems confused/frustrated and this is leading me to believe that his injuries have really knocked his confidence and self-belief as a young dancer and he perhaps doubts he will be good enough. 

[Birdy]

My DD had always been all in on ballet and then Covid hit. Her studio shut down just before her 15th birthday and stayed closed to in-person classes for almost a year. She became really depressed and even when classes finally opened up again in the spring of 2021 she seemed to find no joy in ballet anymore. She went to a really great summer program that year but I think she found happiness in the friends she made and the city she was in more than the actual dancing. She still decided to audition for an international school that fall (for admission to the following year) to keep her options open. By the time the fall of 2022 came around she was back to loving ballet and glad she had planned ahead in case she didn’t want to quit. Looking back the closest analogy I can come up with is having your heart broken by your first love. There are no guarantees in ballet and I think she felt scared to put everything into it again in case the day came where someone else would make the decision that she would have to stop. 

[Bluebird22]

3 minutes ago, Birdy said:

Looking back the closest analogy I can come up with is having your heart broken by your first love

I stepped away from full time dance teaching last September (I was still examining so not exactly a clean break). Gradually I’ve done a little bit here and there and I have spent more time watching ballet at the theatre than I have in years. I miss it so intensely, but I also know that I loved it so much it made me ill and until I learn how to love it without being self destructive I can’t have it as my livelihood. 

I know time may seem like a big factor, but there are many ways to be involved in the dance sector without vocational training. None of this is wasted and the opportunities he’s had so far are riddled with transferable skills… I’m quite confident my CV gets me interviews because of my dance background - it’s unusual and stands out. 

[coniger]

On 26/07/2024 at 18:01, Chira said:

Thankyou everyone for all your lovely wise words.

 

I’m going to take a while to digest it all. 
 

I had never thought about him taking time out for college and revisiting dance if he wanted to or missed it too much. 
 

He has never been without what we have always called ‘another Plan A’ college and university. Or college and an apprenticeship of which there are many wonderful options now.

 

Also I have noticed he has lots of questions about what he could do, as though he is thinking and reaching past and beyond his identity as a ballet dancer. This has defined who he is since he was little and has been supremely important to him; but I notice him finding space for other possibilities and what ifs. Like ballet is not enough too limiting. Or he just needs space to explore.
 

I wonder if this next year is weighing heavily on him in order to make the right decision the right choices. 
 

I remember my O levels and I had nothing else to contend with apart from a Saturday job; it was a really stressful time. I cannot begin to understand what it might be like to think about preparing for important auditions as well. US auditions definitely feel bigger and loom larger for him than anything he has done before. 
 

I shall let him have most of the summer to ‘play’ with all his local no -dancing friends whom he met at his local dance school, but none of them continued dancing once they went to senior school. 
 

He had a really wonderful ballet experience recently (can’t expand TMI would be revealing etc) which totally reignited his passion for ballet in a way I haven’t seen since before he started vocational. So there is something still there just very lost and maybe not enough.

 

I will broach the subject before he returns to school because I need to practicality wise but in a way that is just a list of options that are available to him.

 

Of course all his peers will be in the same position as him re US applications so we shall see how that impacts his thought processes. 
 

it’s so very hard to stay neutral, I do, but it is by sheer effort of will. 
 

Thankyou all again. 

my DS gave up dancing vocationally right after he was offered a place at WL for year 10.  Turning his place down and re-evaluating what he really wanted gave him the freedom to make his own choices and he has not looked back.  Dont get me wrong it was a huge surprise to everyone that he made that decision but he much prefers a teenage life without the focus of dance.I thought when all his friends got into upper schools he would regret his decision but he didn't at all.  Dance has made him fantastically disciplined as he strives on a new academic path but ultimately being a dancer wasnt for him.

Edited July 30 by coniger

[Chira]

@Birdy I think you might have hit the nail on the head. It is like his heart is broken from injury. Like he has been jilted by a lover. The thing he really loved and was very good at suddenly wasn’t available to him for long periods of time and he was so lost. He is still quite lost. 
I think his feelings are all jumbled up, he feels hurt and confused and angry and no matter how much I hear the dance world talk about support through injury; in his experience it has been very poor. He was just left watching others dance for months on end. 
 

I have been very mindful of his upset from talking here but I said today we do need to just sit down and have chat before he returns to training. 

[Chira]

1 hour ago, Bluebird22 said:

I stepped away from full time dance teaching last September (I was still examining so not exactly a clean break). Gradually I’ve done a little bit here and there and I have spent more time watching ballet at the theatre than I have in years. I miss it so intensely, but I also know that I loved it so much it made me ill and until I learn how to love it without being self destructive I can’t have it as my livelihood. 

I know time may seem like a big factor, but there are many ways to be involved in the dance sector without vocational training. None of this is wasted and the opportunities he’s had so far are riddled with transferable skills… I’m quite confident my CV gets me interviews because of my dance background - it’s unusual and stands out. 

I absolutely agree that a journey through dance training does indeed make your CV look rather unusual. I can see him using the skills he has learnt over the years in his day to day life now. Dance is part of his identity and informs aspects of how he sees himself. There are parts that he loves how his body looks because of training, how fit and strong he is, his musicality and the joy of performing. 

[Chira]

56 minutes ago, coniger said:

my DS gave up dancing vocationally right after he was offered a place at WL for year 10.  Turning his place down and re-evaluating what he really wanted gave him the freedom to make his own choices and he has not looked back.  Dont get me wrong it was a huge surprise to everyone that he made that decision but he much prefers a teenage life without the focus of dance.I thought when all his friends got into upper schools he would regret his decision but he didn't at all.  Dance has made him fantastically disciplined as he strives on a new academic path but ultimately being a dancer wasnt for him.

Thankyou for this. 

[Chira]

And what I feel having his heart broken awoke in him was the realisation that ballet might not be his one true love. 🥰 

[Medora]

Once you’re in anything at an elite level you’ll probably never get out of it without heartbreak… you give so much of yourself in the process. Whether you lose, by quitting or not reaching your goal, or win, it’s emotionally exhausting in some way. Some Olympic medalists deal with severe depression after their success, it’s hard to move on once you got everything you ever worked for. Like Alexander the Great who wept once he had no worlds left to conquer 

 

point being that life after ballet needs to be carefully considered 

[Out-the-other-side]

One thing I would add to this extremely helpful thread is that, in our experience, it is impossible to make a rational decision while you are still within the bubble. In our case, Covid was the circuit breaker that allowed our dd to re-evaluate and see a future without ballet. 
But there is a fulfilling and exciting life to be had after ballet and the impact of the very many life skills and personal qualities developed on the ballet journey cannot be underestimated. When my DD was teetering on making her decision to change paths, we happened to be stuck on a very full train home from London and ended up chatting to a very successful young city worker. He told my DD that her ballet background would be her USP that would open up opportunities for her. That has very much been the case - she is a current 2nd year law student at a non Russell group uni (a consequence of only being able to study limited A levels at vocational school) and she is in the middle of  a very busy summer completing extremely competitive vacation schemes and assessment centres in the hope of securing a training contract. Without exception, they have referenced her unusual route into law as a strength and she has been able to relate common interview question themes (teamwork, overcoming adversity, handling criticism etc) to her experiences in ballet. 

There is a thread currently on about page 5, I think, about positive experiences of life after ballet which you might find interesting. Your son is still young and has time to step away to get some clarity in his head and his heart. His decision now doesn’t have to be irreparable. Wishing you both luck! 
 

 

Edited July 30 by Out-the-other-side

[Peanut68]

Interesting how the analogy of ‘first love’ is used here…. I’ve mentioned elsewhere where dancers are further along (upper schools & beyond) in training how it can become almost like an abusive relationship/marriage.

So nurture open dialogue & strength now to help protect should they continue…

 

[Ruby Foo]

Sometimes we lock ourselves into these ideas of rigid patterns and pathways. If we can stand back and realise that these mostly exist in society and in our heads and that we are mostly free to choose what we want to do and when ( finance dependent of course) If that choice doesn't work for us then we can usually go back to what we did before or go onwards to something completely new. The important thing is to be curious and experimental and brave because otherwise we will never know. Your job is to support in that process and be fully there for your son whatever the outcome. It sounds like your son has reached a level where he might easily return to the Ballet World should he wish to step away for a while. I believe this freedom and flexibility does exist in the dance world too especially for boys. Nowadays it's so much easier and fluid to change direction and change again and again if only we can free ourselves from the boundaries we create.

The Ballet world is such a bubble that it's sometimes hard to see you have multiple gifts and talents that connect you to this planet and once you start to look around, it becomes an exciting opportunity which can lead you onwards in extraordinary ways. And like others have said, the training, perseverance, creativity, discipline, artistry is so transferable and interesting to many employers and establishments. So much wise advice on this thread. It's all relevant I feel.
 

One way or another, it will all work out if he feels massively connected with his choice and able to cope with the inevitable challenges it brings.